Rambling into the Void

filed under: personal	02.09.26
A few days ago, browsing the Wayback Machine, I found some websites I forgot I ever even had. I completely forgot I had a friend who owned her own domain and I had a space on that for a while before I got my own. This was all in like... 2003-2004. There's so much of my own life that I've forgotten. I look at 14-year-old me's list of links out and only recognize half of them, if that. I had so many aliases and websites and it all blurs together in my adult memory. It feels... weird. I went through some shit in my early to mid teen years and I remember the shitty people and shitty things better than the good ones and the good things. I kind of hate that. I want to remember more of everything. Maybe balance it all out. There's a line in the video game Dark Cloud for the PSX that gave me a lot of existential terror as a kid, and it's stuck with me to this day. Sort of. Ironically, I can't remember it well enough to quote it, come to think of it. But the ~vibes~ remain. The game itself is already kind of rooted in existential terror--the big bad villain makes entire towns disappear, along with the people who live there, and the protagonist has to bring them back and put everything back together. And one NPC you save says something about how, in a way, peoples' lives are the memories they make, so how terrifying is it to forget? If you make memories and forget them, are they still worth anything? I was already a very anxious kid/teen, so holy shit. That random line from a random NPC that should be unremarkable just... left such an impression on me. I'm terrified of forgetting. And I'm terrified of being forgotten. Which is why I want to keep up with this diary here better. Really put in an effort to ramble into the void a bit every so often. Because it was uncomfortable yet healing to find that handful of stupid little posts from my archived websites. And they are stupid. I was stupid. Just like every other kid on the internet. I was stupid and sad and scared and trying so hard. I guess the point I'm getting at is just... I think writing more will be good for my mental health. Particularly journaling more. I need to lay out my jumbled thoughts somewhere to analyze them, or else they get lost in my brain-mud. And then I forget them. Because then those thoughts are muddy and hazy and I can't hold onto them. If I write my thoughts down, I give them form. It makes it easier to think, and if I do end up forgetting in the future anyway, at least I'll have my journal(s). I'm terrified of forgetting, so I'll do everything in my power to make sure I won't.
	#002

filed under: personal

02.09.26

A few days ago, browsing the Wayback Machine, I found some websites I forgot I ever even had. I completely forgot I had a friend who owned her own domain and I had a space on that for a while before I got my own. This was all in like... 2003-2004. There's so much of my own life that I've forgotten. I look at 14-year-old me's list of links out and only recognize half of them, if that. I had so many aliases and websites and it all blurs together in my adult memory.
It feels... weird. I went through some shit in my early to mid teen years and I remember the shitty people and shitty things better than the good ones and the good things. I kind of hate that. I want to remember more of everything. Maybe balance it all out.
There's a line in the video game Dark Cloud for the PSX that gave me a lot of existential terror as a kid, and it's stuck with me to this day. Sort of. Ironically, I can't remember it well enough to quote it, come to think of it. But the ~*vibes*~ remain. The game itself is already kind of rooted in existential terror--the big bad villain makes entire towns disappear, along with the people who live there, and the protagonist has to bring them back and put everything back together. And one NPC you save says something about how, in a way, peoples' lives are the memories they make, so how terrifying is it to forget? If you make memories and forget them, are they still worth anything?
I was already a very anxious kid/teen, so holy shit. That random line from a random NPC that should be unremarkable just... left such an impression on me. I'm terrified of forgetting. And I'm terrified of being forgotten.
Which is why I want to keep up with this diary here better. Really put in an effort to ramble into the void a bit every so often. Because it was uncomfortable yet healing to find that handful of stupid little posts from my archived websites. And they are stupid. I was stupid. Just like every other kid on the internet. I was stupid and sad and scared and trying so hard.
I guess the point I'm getting at is just... I think writing more will be good for my mental health. Particularly journaling more. I need to lay out my jumbled thoughts somewhere to analyze them, or else they get lost in my brain-mud. And then I forget them. Because then those thoughts are muddy and hazy and I can't hold onto them. If I write my thoughts down, I give them form. It makes it easier to think, and if I do end up forgetting in the future anyway, at least I'll have my journal(s). I'm terrified of forgetting, so I'll do everything in my power to make sure I won't.

#002

filed under: personal	02.02.26
My mood has been all over the place this past month or so. I'm vascillating between extremely depressed and sort of... not happy necessarily, but content. It's partly because I fucked up my sleeping schedule, so the days feel way too short. I'm also settling into the "acceptance" phase of the mess of feelings my birthday (in early January) always brings. Aging is strange. But life is not a linear experience, y'know? It's a subtle shift, but I've found comfort in looking at it this way: you don't shed past versions of yourself like snakeskin, you absorb them into your foundation. In a way, you're every version of you at once. I mean, I've changed a lot over the years, both intentionally and unintentionally, but at my core? I just feel like... me. It's hard to put into words, but I mean like... I think that it's a mistake to look at aging as losing something. Losing time, opportunities, your very personhood. But it's the opposite. You're gaining! As moody as the concept of the passage of time makes me, I do feel like I've only become a truer, happier, more complete version of myself the older I get.
	#002

filed under: personal

02.02.26

My mood has been all over the place this past month or so. I'm vascillating between extremely depressed and sort of... not happy necessarily, but content. It's partly because I fucked up my sleeping schedule, so the days feel way too short. I'm also settling into the "acceptance" phase of the mess of feelings my birthday (in early January) always brings. Aging is strange. But life is not a linear experience, y'know? It's a subtle shift, but I've found comfort in looking at it this way: you don't shed past versions of yourself like snakeskin, you absorb them into your foundation. In a way, you're every version of you at once. I mean, I've changed a lot over the years, both intentionally and unintentionally, but at my core? I just feel like... me. It's hard to put into words, but I mean like... I think that it's a mistake to look at aging as losing something. Losing time, opportunities, your very personhood. But it's the opposite. You're gaining! As moody as the concept of the passage of time makes me, I do feel like I've only become a truer, happier, more complete version of myself the older I get.

#002

filed under: personal	01.10.26
On the importance of shouting into the void. These days, there just aren't enough voids--and yet the number of people shouting has remained the same. It's frustrating that all available venues for said shouting are... well, not voids. Every venue of self-expression online now is tied to social media, which means that you must put yourself on display for all to see. No room to edit or revise your thoughts. Subject yourself to the whims of any overly familiar weirdo, from namesearching minor celebrities to wannabe influencers following a hundred different tags and keywords. Honestly, I hate it. That's why I hated Twitter, and it's why I'm not a fan of Bsky. There's something insidious about the way these things work, I think. When I post on something like Bsky, it feels less like I'm inviting the reader into my home for a chat, and more like I'm shouting in the town square. I guess that's the thing about the modern internet, isn't it? Most people on it no longer have homepages, nobody says "welcome to my little corner of the web" or shit like that. The corporate web has taken almost every mode of self-expression from us, and that sucks. So, I think more people need to get themselves a good old-fashioned shoutin' void. Here's mine. Now, does that mean I don't want strangers reading what I write? Of course not! This blog is publicly viewable, and believe it or not, I do like to get some attention sometimes. Otherwise, why post at all? But this is my space. It's not a public forum. This is not a bulletin board, but an unlocked journal left on a table. Enjoy your stay, or don't. Either way, I hope you consider creating your own little void to shout into as well, if you haven't already.
	#001

filed under: personal

01.10.26

On the importance of shouting into the void.

These days, there just aren't enough voids--and yet the number of people shouting has remained the same.
It's frustrating that all available venues for said shouting are... well, not voids. Every venue of self-expression online now is tied to social media, which means that you must put yourself on display for all to see. No room to edit or revise your thoughts. Subject yourself to the whims of any overly familiar weirdo, from namesearching minor celebrities to wannabe influencers following a hundred different tags and keywords.
Honestly, I hate it. That's why I hated Twitter, and it's why I'm not a fan of Bsky. There's something insidious about the way these things work, I think. When I post on something like Bsky, it feels less like I'm inviting the reader into my home for a chat, and more like I'm shouting in the town square. I guess that's the thing about the modern internet, isn't it? Most people on it no longer have homepages, nobody says "welcome to my little corner of the web" or shit like that. The corporate web has taken almost every mode of self-expression from us, and that sucks.
So, I think more people need to get themselves a good old-fashioned shoutin' void. Here's mine. Now, does that mean I don't want strangers reading what I write? Of course not! This blog is publicly viewable, and believe it or not, I do like to get some attention sometimes. Otherwise, why post at all? But this is my space. It's not a public forum. This is not a bulletin board, but an unlocked journal left on a table.
Enjoy your stay, or don't. Either way, I hope you consider creating your own little void to shout into as well, if you haven't already.

#001